SHOULD “THAT FRIEND” FIGHTING WITH YOUR WIFE/HUSBAND BE TALKING TO YOU?

I saw a status on someone’s post. It read “If you are fighting with the wife or not talking to her then you shouldn’t talk to the husband 🤷‍♂️” and it inspired me to write something on how I’ve always thought about “that friend of his😏” or “that name that I don’t want to hear😡” etc. I have been there before and this should be an interesting piece, hopefully.

In this post, I will try my best to address similar situations as well as the issue mentioned above.

I have been in a position where a friend told me his wife wasn’t comfortable with my name being mentioned in their home. My offence was being a childhood friend. I don’t know what he might have told her about me. I have also been in a situation where I didn’t want a certain lady relating very closely with my husband because she avoided me.

Both scenarios are very common in relationships and when it happens like that, at least one person becomes the victim: “That friend” (permit me to use TF from hence forth for “that friend”, for the sake of this blog post), the affected partner (i.e. friend of “TF”) and the reacting partner (i.e. partner to the “affected partner”). Let’s face it, no one wants to loose a good friend, assuming their intentions are pure. And certainly no one wants to have a broken relationship or home.

I would like to categorically state at this point that If you know that any friend of yours have bad intentions for your relationship especially your marriage (you and your spouse are one!), please do yourself and your family a big favour by cutting off that friendship. It’s not worth it to lose your family over to a bad friend.
You can also end your reading of this post at this point.

This post suggests possible ways of going around the aforementioned issues of not being cool with your partner’s TF with the hope that at the end, everyone will be happy and peace can reign.

I’ll be addressing the affected partner, the reacting partner and TF.

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To the affected partner

I want to believe that you are 100% serious with your relationship and you place your partner first before any other person. If that is the case then there are certain things you can do for peace to reign. I’m afraid to say at this point that you have to put more work here because if things go south, you’ll lose the most (your partner, your friend or both).

1. Validate your partner’s feelings
   Most times, there is at least one genuine reason your partner is not comfortable with TF. It would be insensitive to become very defensive towards your partner. Instead, validate their feelings. They might not be right for reacting in certain ways but first try to understand how and why your partner feels the way they feel.
2. Be open
   Over and over again. I see people trying to hide communicating with TF for so called “good reasons” like they didn’t want their partners to feel bad or get upset. This is only going to work for as long as they don’t find out. I always say, “if you have to hide, then it’s bad”.
   This would be a good time to prove to your Mr, Miss or Mrs that they can trust you not just now but in subsequent times. If it means them seeing your conversations with TF, why not? I still believe that trust is earned however I am fully aware that some other people give their trust without it having to be earned. Being open also entails making things very clear to your partner. Now is not the time to be mute like some people would rather be. If your partner wants to know anything about TF, this is a good opportunity to explain things. When your partner knows that you truly put them first, things will work out easier for you.
3. Don’t go overboard
   If you successfully get to the stage where your partner is OK with you being in touch with TF, set certain boundaries preferably together. Every relationship is unique so set your boundaries as it suits you. Also be disciplined! For example, this is not the time to get excited, chat TF up about every single thing and spend an ample amount of your time with him/her. I believe your partner is your best friend. Be wise!
4. Speak your partner’s love language
   Now is the time to speak the love language your partner understands. It goes a long way to show how much you care about them and to reaffirm that they are more important than any other TF out there.
5. Encourage TF to integrate with your family
   I expect that TF should do things to show that they care, not just for you but for your partner and family at large. For example, TF shouldn’t invite only you to dinner, they should think of inviting your partner at least. They should ask after your partner or family during or after conversations. It’s not just about you alone. Now that you have a relationship or own a family, the love of TF should be spread across. If TF revolts your effort of encouragement for integration, then their motives may be questionable.

To the reacting partner

I would start by saying again that if truly TF is not intentionally doing anything to spite you, then it is indeed not their intention to hurt you

You can try your best to ignore negative feelings, cut your partner some slack, reconcile your differences with TF or at best forgive whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable or pissed off.

To your partner, intentionally extend patience, love and care. Try not to be selfish and don’t be the one to cause him/her to lose a friend. if you are convinced that they are merely good friends, be more supportive and understanding. Ask questions where you are uncertain. NEVER fight with your partner based on assumptions. Get clarity!

Some people would try to draw TF closer to themselves. If that would make you happier then go ahead. Some other people wouldn’t try. If not trying will bring you peace then let TF be. An important thing is that you feel safe and secure in your relationship.

To “that friend” TF

I know it is also not your intention to hurt your friend’s relationship or home. If you are unaware of the situation on their end, There’ll likely be three realities:

1. You continue relating with your friend as normal or
2. You observe certain body language/distancing and you also naturally withdraw or (because you are unsure of the signals), you still try to continue relating with your friend as normal😊
3. They come out plain and tell you that all is not well like my friend did tell me.

If you are aware that you are causing strife in someone’s home due to your friendship with them, the best thing to do is to give some space and then try to work things out from a distance. If they don’t work out, you and the affected partner may end up as acquaintances at best.
It is best to lose your friendship than break their home. That’s very sad to say but also true.

Moving on, here’s another completely different scenario. This isn’t about TF but one where your spouse happens to be a counselor, pastor, and the likes, thereby having to work with people who might not like you and will not “talk” to you. I believe that life does have these gray areas and honestly, you can’t completely stop people from talking to your partner. In those instances, I will suggest that your partner use wisdom and be very cautious. You also will have to be very understanding. The important thing is to keep talking to your partner. Communication is key!

Lastly, back to this status “If you are fighting with the wife or not talking to her then you shouldn’t talk to the husband 🤷‍♂️”.

I consider that person (I won’t call him/her “friend”) as being manipulative, spiteful and obviously looking for trouble.

I would advice that the husband wakes up to reality and cuts off till that person repents. Make him/her know that your wife is your numero uno 😉 and you can’t team up with anyone to hurt her.

As for me, my husband and I are one! If someone is deliberately fighting with me or holding a grudge, they shouldn’t bother trying to be friends with my husband because it won’t work! I wonder what they will be trying to prove by doing that.

For married people, divorce should not be an option. If you are looking to getting married and TF is invaluable to you, now is the time to make up your mind on who you would rather be with. This can be a very serious issue in marriage, please don’t take it lightly!

There you have it! I have highlighted three different scenarios in this post and also dealt specifically with one. Can you see all four? Let’s have a chat. Do hit me with those thoughts of yours. comment on this post. I sincerely want to read your views on this interesting topic.

Every marriage is unique! there’s no formula! figure things out and work out your own marriage.

P.S. Just one word, phrase, clause or sentence can bring the positive change that you need. Find it here @gloryinyou⭐😇

CHECK OUT my YouTube channel on Daily Use of English with Cheryl Udomessien. That’s something else I’m passionate about. I bet you will find it very interesting😃

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Love, Cheryl